In a stunning revelation that shocked absolutely no one, the Pentagon announced that America’s critical infrastructure is under threat from global cyber attacks. “Hackers are targeting everything from power grids to grandma’s email,” said a military spokesperson.
Americans are urged to boost their cyber hygiene, which, for most, means finally changing that 10-year-old password. “We recommend ‘1234567’ for added complexity,” joked an unnamed official.
Meanwhile, TikTok influencers offered to defend the country with viral dances that supposedly confuse enemy algorithms. The Department of Defense has not confirmed their effectiveness, but morale is high.