Just in time for Independence Day, the Senate has passed a patriotic surprise package: the One Big Beautiful Bill. The vote squeaked through 51-50, with VP JD Vance delivering the decisive “yea” like a game show host announcing a lucky millionaire.
So what’s in this big, beautiful bag of tricks?
Tax cuts for the ultra-rich,
Clean energy incentives thrown into the landfill,
Social safety nets like Medicaid and SNAP sliced like yesterday’s budget salad.
Sources say low-income families are being encouraged to “embrace creativity” in survival, such as backyard squirrel hunting or emergency intermittent fasting.
“A historic victory,” claimed one senator as he bit into a USDA prime rib. “We’re finally saving money by deleting people from the system.”
Some conservatives still grumbled that the bill lacked subsidies for yachts and third homes, proving that even paradise has its flaws.
Meanwhile, the White House is urging the House to pass it before July 4th — so fireworks can light up the sky while food stamps go up in smoke.