As major cities across the U.S. grapple with a mysterious internet outage, the White House confidently assured the public, “There is no cyber emergency. Please remain calm.”
Naturally, America did not remain calm.
From New York to Los Angeles, citizens reported complete connection blackouts. Offices stalled, cafes overflowed with Wi-Fi refugees, and influencers broke into cold sweats after failing to post their “Post-July 4 Glow-Up” reels.
In a press conference broadcast on what little live TV still worked, a White House spokesperson dismissed concerns:
“Just because the internet is down doesn’t mean it’s a crisis. Sometimes things just… reset themselves.”
When asked about claims from global hacker groups taking responsibility, the spokesperson replied, “We don’t negotiate with people who use emojis in their threats.”
Reports from Philadelphia suggest internet support hotlines now play the sound of a robot crying softly before disconnecting.
Social media—at least for those lucky enough to VPN through Iceland—erupted with trending hashtags like #CyberNoEmergency and #TrustMeBro.
The White House ended its statement with a warm reminder:
“Electricity is still on, folks. Take this as an opportunity to reflect, reconnect, and enjoy this peaceful, unplugged moment. Like it’s 1997.”