Wall Street just had a meltdown more dramatic than a soap opera finale, with the Dow Jones plunging over 1,000 points. The cause? A delightful cocktail of failed ceasefires, rising oil prices, and whispers of a global recession knocking at the door with pizza and bad news.
Traders were seen hugging spreadsheets, whispering “It’s not your fault” to their portfolios.
The Federal Reserve, in full panic mode, is planning an “emergency meeting” — also known as ‘the oh no, not again’ gathering — where they’ll discuss whether printing more money will fix existential dread.
Meanwhile, one investor tweeted, “I just lost $400k. On the bright side, I finally feel something again.”
Analysts say the markets are searching for stability. We suggest they try yoga.