The world facepalmed in perfect unison today after a leaked recording revealed Donald Trump’s casual threat to “bomb Moscow and Beijing to bits.” The United Nations immediately ordered an emergency Security Council session—coffee stockpiles were seen running dangerously low in New York.
Close allies of the United States scrambled for excuses, with one diplomat—who insisted on anonymity—saying, “We have no idea, we actually forgot Washington’s number, sorry,” while awkwardly peeling off a tiny star-spangled badge from his suit.
The UN spokesperson tried to appear calm but the microphone was visibly shaking. “We will discuss this matter seriously, without drama,” they declared, even as delegates behind them discreetly checked flight tickets home.
Meanwhile, some netizens welcomed the news—finally an excuse to unfollow Trump’s Threads account. Twitter Spaces went oddly quiet too, with many retreating to the family WhatsApp group—apparently it feels safer there.
At press time, Washington had issued no official statement, but rumors say Trump has been spotted practicing with the big red button—fortunately, it was just his TV remote. For now.