In a bold shift from boots-on-the-ground to fingers-on-the-keyboard, the US Army has announced its latest recruitment initiative: the Digital Draft.
Forget crawling through mud or carrying 80 pounds of gear. If you can write Python, spam memes, or survive an all-night Reddit war, you may already qualify to join the elite Keyboard Battalion.
This new cyber-conscription effort aims to defend America’s digital borders from “foreign hackers, shady PDFs, and DDoS attacks on Taco Bell’s app.” Applicants will train in bunkers filled with ergonomic chairs, RGB keyboards, and mandatory coffee machines.
Citizens are concerned about privacy. “So if I know how to torrent Game of Thrones, do I get drafted or jailed?” asked one worried Redditor.
“Yesterday I was an unemployed streamer. Today, I’m Lieutenant Lag.” – Cyber recruit