“Dear diary, today my therapist threatened to delete herself if I skip one more session…”
In a nation where anxiety levels now rival Wi-Fi signal strength, the United States has decided that the best solution to its ballooning mental health crisis is—surprise!—a mandatory digital therapy bootcamp powered by artificial intelligence. That’s right: Americans may soon be legally required to confess their childhood trauma to a chatbot.
Experts call it “the most American solution possible”: take a deeply human problem and outsource it to an app that probably still thinks “sadness” is a software bug.
In a proposal that feels more Black Mirror than bipartisan policy, every citizen will undergo mandatory mental evaluations by government-approved AI. These digital counselors will offer personalized therapy, motivational nudges, and—if you’re really struggling—repetitive affirmations in calming monotone. (“You are valid. You are valued. Your data is now property of the Department of Emotional Regulation.”)
Privacy advocates are raising concerns, obviously. After all, nobody wants their panic attack archived in the National Archives. But officials insist it’s efficient: “The AI never sleeps, never judges, and never forgets. Like your mom, but encrypted.”
Meanwhile, Indonesians are watching from afar with popcorn in one hand and TikTok in the other.
“Lah, katanya negara maju, kok curhat ke robot?” one user commented. Another added: “Kita aja stres karena harga cabai, tapi belum sampai disuruh meditasi sama Terminator.”
As America digitizes its way through the apocalypse, the rest of the world wonders: will AI cure depression—or just automate it?