In yet another installment of The Real World: White House Edition, President Donald Trump has reportedly threatened to yank the United States out of NATO unless European countries “pay up like proper tenants.”
“America’s not your military Uber! We’re not driving you around the war zone for free,” Trump allegedly said while holding a NATO map upside-down and sipping Diet Coke with nuclear intensity.
European leaders responded in synchronized panic. Germany began calculating defense budgets using Google Sheets, while France called for an emergency wine-and-cheese summit.
Sources say Trump proposed a “NATO Gold Plus” membership, featuring missile coverage, exclusive bunker tours, and an autographed MAGA helmet.
Meanwhile, Russia celebrated with a surprise shirtless beach party in Sochi.