The shelves are empty. The panic is full. Across the United States, Americans are experiencing something once thought impossible: walking into a Whole Foods and finding… nothing.
Thanks to skyrocketing fuel prices, cyberattacks on logistics systems, and truckers ghosting their delivery apps, even the mightiest grocery stores are now just air-conditioned panic chambers.
Staples like lettuce, oat milk, and gluten-free kale crisps have disappeared. In New York, a man reportedly tried to barter his AirPods for a bunch of bananas. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, lines for organic toothpaste are longer than those for Coachella tickets.
In response, many citizens have turned to hoarding. “We don’t even eat beans,” said Carol from Portland, “but we bought 72 cans. You never know when protein becomes social currency.”
From Indonesia, netizens observe with equal parts horror and hilarity.
“They hoard oat milk like it’s rice during Lebaran,” one comment said.
“Amerika, you okay? Or is this your first time going outside comfort zone?”
Back home, Indonesians who’ve survived decades of sudden LPG shortages and cabai inflation just shrug. “Wong kita biasa belanja pas diskonan, pake jurus sikut-sikutan,” said Aunt Rini proudly.
So while Americans relearn the primal art of survival (a.k.a. fighting over the last rotisserie chicken), the world watches—and laughs—at this ironic twist of fate: the land of abundance facing a shortage of toilet paper… again.